WOW!!! I am back, world. I lost myself for close to a week. I haven’t been down this journey since December of 2018. Yet here we are again. . What does it mean when I say I lost myself? I gave up my power to the external world. I let my environment control me. I let the world around me impact my emotions to the point where I felt chained to them. . This is a pattern. For all of us. But particularly this arises in me when I want something so badly that I can’t have. So I resort to controlling what that I feel I can. . I spent my entire week watching astrology YouTube videos about what the future may hold, trying to grasp onto any sense of hope for the thing I wanted most. . And in doing so, I was continuously giving up my power to the external. It doesn’t matter what that “thing” is that we give our power to. For me it was Astrology. Trying to manipulate the future by anticipating it. It’s a form of control. A lack of trust. We all do this, and when we do, we are communicating to the universe that we don’t trust. And I was communicating with every video that I watched that I didn’t fully trust. . I was communicating to the universe that what I wanted was outside of myself. And therefore until I filled myself up from what I already had, I wasn’t going to be given anything else. . It’s almost like a child asking for dessert while their entire plate is full of uneaten dinner. Why would you give them more when they don’t appreciate what is right there in front of them? . All week I had been annoyed that I kept going to these astrology videos for the answer. It felt so unconscious. I knew I was “being ridiculous” but I wouldn’t stay present with that emotion long enough to lean into what lied beyond the initial emotion. I almost wish I could’ve documented the series of my emotions throughout the week, drawn the patterns out to connect them all later so I could catch them mid pattern in the future and go straight to SURRENDER into trust. I wish I could've dove straight into the subconscious It's how we heal. Bringing space in between the action and the response, and choosing to respond based on our conscious (and subconscious) programming. Slowly, the subconscious is coming to the surface ready for healing. Thank you universe for providing this experience for me. I unconditionally trust you. So many of us talk about unconditional love but I’m on a journey into unconditional trust. And last night I healed an ounce of that through surrender. Easter gave me a rebirth of my own flavor.
