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Creativity Repressed

For much of my life until last year, I would experience sporadic breakthroughs in life where I would realize a major trigger and get to the root of what it was after the pattern occurred enough times for me to notice.

For the past 8 months, these have been happening quite regularly. And the more I dive deeper into my own consciousness, the more I uncover. I am starting to curiously welcome the triggers and see them as the answer to my own self limitations.

Lately, I have been experiencing breakthroughs on a weekly basis & today, I such a massive breakthrough that profoundly hit the root of my soul; my emotions flooded my body and I felt a release immediately.

As a kid, I was a daydreamer. I would create games for my friends, skipping here and there, cloud gazing, painting masterpieces of abstract art, dancing like I was going to become Brittney Spears and thinking I really could if I wanted it enough. My dad constantly told me that I was living in a dream world. I wanted to be a singer, an artist, a hair dresser, a creative. My dad constantly told me that I couldn't do it because I wouldn't make money. It happened time and time again. And so I let go of those dreams. I developed marketing skills. I learned business skills. And I am so grateful for those and him because it made me the person I am today. BUT, from a young age I started suppressing this side of myself. I stopped drawing, daydreaming, and let go of my creativity. I didn't want to be poor. I didn't want to let my dad down. So I let them go. I also knew that "money was the key to freedom." That if I wasn't able to support myself, I would have to rely on other people. And that scared me to my core. At the time, I didn't know why. I just knew I feared the dependency (another story).

I developed a deep anger towards my suppression of creativity. I started creating business partnerships with highly creative people to support them in that, in an effort to hold onto my childhood dream. But I wouldn't allow myself to embrace that part of me. I still didn't express within myself to the capacity that I truly desired. I now feel this great desire to express myself creatively and release the pattern of suppression. I no longer have to hold onto this story. I can be free. I can feel safe. I can express.

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