What are we hiding from? What is it that we are so scared to show? Why is it so easy to write but not speak? Why is it so easy to dance with our body and not our words? Here is the naked soul truth. I am scared. I am scared of being judged. Scared of not being the hero of my own story. Scared of not being seen as having it all together. But today, this is no longer my truth. This is a past story I told myself. And today, this changes.
A few days ago a group of us were sitting in a circle. One of our friends was leading us in a creative writing exercise. She asked us to write a story about a situation where we needed to tell someone something that we did not. About something that needed to be said and expressed. She asked us to write from the heart and pour ourselves into it. So we did. After we had the option of sharing. As we went around the room, only a few shared. But instead of listening to their stories and judging their shortcomings, I listened with total empathy and latched onto the words that I also struggled with. I empathize with the pain. I didn’t think less of the person for sharing their naked self. I didn’t judge them. I empathized. Someone in the circle shared my exact same story. And it felt so good to hear. I wanted to be there for them as a friend. And I realized that I wasn’t alone in that. Everyone around the circle felt the same. And I no longer felt judged by my struggle. By my pain. I felt empowered to share. It felt good to express my hardest truth out loud. So here is my story.
I loved you so deeply. Deeper than anyone I had ever loved before. I loved your depth. I loved your intensity. I loved your heart. I loved your mind. And I loved your flaws. You shook me up to the core and changed my life to the point of no return. I never imagined one person could change my life like that. I also never knew how badly my heart could hurt from something once so beautiful. I never told you this but I was in love with you from day one. And I was in love with you until I left the country. I couldn’t move on for months after we agreed to be just friends. I never told you how crushed I was when you told me you had fallen for someone new. I wanted you to be happy but deep inside I was destroyed. My heart was pumping blood so intensely I fell to the kitchen floor and hugged the cold ground in a ball until my roommates calmed me down. There was nothing I could do. I know you had no idea it would affect me like that and looking back I am glad you felt so comfortable with telling me. Moreso, I had regret for the longest time. I regretted running. I regretted not embracing us in the beginning. I regretted not being honest about how I felt. And now, all I regret is the lack of forgiveness I gave myself. I truly love the way things unfolded. I appreciate all that you taught me and opened me up to. I am grateful for the pain. I am grateful for the growth. So thank you for giving me the greatest first kiss anyone has ever given me. Thank you for traveling to the ends of the earth with me weeks after meeting me. Thank you for being such a mirror to my most inner being. I discovered who I was. Who I wasn’t. And what I wanted out of life. And for that, you will always hold that space in my heart.
Love, Your twin. Your flame. Your fire.