Eat. Pray. Love.
Although this ultimately was the foundation of what I came to understand internally, the journey itself wasn't so simple. In fact, it killed me inside. And I wouldn't have done anything differently.
I called my brother today and got real with him for the first time since I moved to Bali. I told him about my journey here, who I had become, and what I uncovered about myself and about life. It was the first time we SAW each other for where we were at in life. It was the first time that I was able to put it in words and say it out loud. I had not been able to communicate what I had experienced on my journey here. My brother is both super logical and super intuitive. He is balanced in masculine and feminine completely. I told him about my journey, about my true emotional growth, and my blocks. I told him why the universe brought me here. And for the first time since I got here, I felt like I finally got it. I was reaching the closing of a chapter.
I told him how I used to block myself from feeling emotions and instead used logic to intellectualize my feelings. I watched my mom consumed with her emotions for years, tied to the bed day after day, sleeping away her precious years of life. I told him how much it hurt me and how for years, I feared the power of my own emotions. I feared how powerful emotions could be and how deeply they could consume. I told him how Bali helped me feel safe in my emotions. How my romantic relationship opened me up to allowing emotions to arise and feeling them for what they were. How I learned that I didn't have to be consumed by emotions but instead be mindful and recognize they are part of me, just like thoughts are. How both thoughts and emotions are separate from true self. I learned to have more compassion for my mother. I learned to understand her and see her for where she is at.
What I learned in Bali was way more than the best method for bringing coaching to the world, which was my initial intention. What I learned was how to love. I learned how to see people for where they are at. I learned to have compassion. I learned to feel. I learned to listen to my body and what it wants to do, consume, and be surrounded by. I learned to follow my heart. I learned to listen within. I learned to embody. I learned that I don't control the world and I shouldn't. I learned the universal laws of nature. I learned the power and beauty of intuition. And lastly, I learned to see life as a gift, even the shitty parts of life. It is all happening for a reason and I don't always need to know that reason to have faith.