What I Want is Not Always What I Need: How Creative Space Trumped Control



The universe knows what we need. Your soul knows what we need. Sometimes we suppress our needs because they don't logically make sense. They don't align with our goals. But sometimes what we think we want is not actually what our soul desires. Sometimes our mind and our soul are not in alignment and our mind creates stories of why we should want something that isn't actually what we need.

I went off to Bali to bring my vision and mission to life. That was my goal. To take a massive dream I had been thinking about and put it into action. As soon as I arrived, I shared a taxi with a girl who explained to me that she was a shadow worker and helped people uncover their shadow sides, the parts of themselves they hide. I left the conversation saying that I loved myself fully and wasn’t sure if I even had a shadow side anymore. We parted ways and said our goodbyes for now. I had no idea what box I had just opened.

I entered a romantic relationship the week I touched down in Ubud, Bali which at the time seemed like a distraction to this massive mission I was bound to create. The town, Ubud, means medicine and unbeknownst to me, I was about to get a large serving of medicine throughout this journey. The following few months felt like I was crafting a puzzle and slowly putting the pieces together, unaware and unamused by the bigger picture. Only this puzzle wasn’t a joyful game, it was fucking painful, a struggle, filled with hardship. Why? I was discovering the darkest side of myself just as I had asked for, my shadow side. It unraveled slowly and then all at once.

I was forced to question every major belief that I had created growing up. I started by reacting strongly to adversity, I held attachments, I took things personally, I formed expectations, I judged. I did all the things that coaches coach on. At the time, this process was hell. I was fearful, angry, and not working towards my mission. They say you can't take a client further than you have gone yourself, and at the time, these two concepts didn't click. I didn't realize that my mission in Ubud wasn't to bring this massive vision to life. It was to get deeply in touch with my soul. To go deep into my shadow side. To trust my feminine. To work through relationships and understand belief systems and attachments.


I see that I needed to wait to bring anything to life until I discovered this. Until the Ubud medicine kicked in and shook me up. I wouldn’t have uncovered this without my “distraction”. My romantic partner's greatest strength was my greatest shadow and my greatest strength ended up being his greatest shadow. We were each other’s puzzle pieces the whole time and didn’t quite realize it until we went through the hard shit together.


My "expectation" was that Bali would be a place to flourish, to be surrounded by spirituality, feminine energy, coaching, and the whole 9 yards. And it certain is the coaching mecca of the world. It is the most feminine and spiritual place I have ever been. BUT Ubud isn't named medicine for the fun of it. Ubud is a safe space to grow. The feminine energy isn't happy go lucky. It is deep. It can be dark. It can show you the parts of yourself that you suppress but then it allows you to work through it. It doesn't judge. It gives you abundant fruit and allows you to cry safely. Growing is painful. And coaches come here to grow and heal. What I actually needed and what I thought I needed were two completely different things. If I would have let go of the expectations coming from my mind, I could've surrendered into my soul's desire more easily and fully embraced the process. The last few weeks, I grew in peace. I felt the joy of growth and understood the pain. I allowed and accepted and surrendered into it. And wow, did it feel good to trust.

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Life is a dance between what you want most and what you fear most.

Divine Feminine Leadership

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