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Who Are You in the Shadow?

Well here it goes. I am laying it all out there. I have a fuck ton to write about because a lot has happened in the past few weeks. I still have a hard time being vulnerable and sharing my deepest #nakedtruth but that’s why I am doing it. I am also doing it for you. The you that is reading this right now wrapped up in a drama that could turn into one of your greatest stories.

I came to Bali to bring my vision and mission to life. To take this massive dream I had been thinking about and put it into action. As soon as I got here I shared a taxi with a girl who later became a great friend. She explained to me in that one hour taxi ride that she was a shadow worker and helped people uncover their shadow sides, the parts of themselves they hide. It was perfect timing because I had been on a quest to uncover my shadow side for a few weeks, but over the years I had shoved it so far down that I no longer could see it. That may not sound like an issue, but shoving things in the back of a drawer doesn’t make the drawer less clean. I left the conversation saying that I loved myself fully and wasn’t sure if I even had a shadow side anymore. We parted ways and said our goodbyes for now. I had no idea what box I had just opened.

I entered a romantic relationship the week I touched down in Bali which at the time seemed like a distraction to this massive mission I was bound to create. They say, Ubud means medicine, and unbeknownst to me, I was about to get a large serving of medicine throughout this journey. Throughout the past two months, I felt like I was crafting a puzzle and slowly putting the pieces together, picking up the clues, yet unaware and unamused by the bigger picture. Only this puzzle wasn’t a joyful game, it was fucking painful, a struggle, filled with hardship. Why? I was discover the darkest side of myself just as I had asked and my partner was there walking alongside of me, feeling and taking all of my pain. It unraveled slowly and then all at once. I uncovered my motherly tendencies to help everyone around me become their best, my sensitivity to not feeling special, my self worth caught up in my accomplishments, my discomfort with the unknown, my lack of unconditional love, and the effects of taking things personally and having expectations. My relationship with my partner mirrored my relationship with my mother and brought out a side of me I hadn’t experienced in years.

After 2.5 months of living in Bali, I finally see the pieces coming together. I see the shape we are creating. I see the image of the larger puzzle. It’s not quite complete because there are a few things I still have to integrate into my life, but the picture is there. I have exactly two weeks left in Bali. I had no idea when this journey would start and end, but now I see that I needed to wait until I discovered this. Until the Ubud medicine kicked in and shook me up. And looking back, my massive mission that I came here to create is a drop in the bucket compared to the work I did. And that mission has become a hell of a lot bigger and much more refined to my desires now that I have a better sense of my shadow side and where I struggle.

Above all, I wouldn’t have gotten here without my “distraction” and romantic partner. His greatest strength was my greatest shadow and my greatest strength ended up being his greatest shadow. We were each other’s puzzle pieces the whole time and didn’t quite realize it until we went through the hard shit together. TODAY, we finally put the last piece together. These next two weeks will be about integration before embarking on a 10 day silent meditation in Thailand and continuing our journey across the world with every intention to bring this mission to life, if and only if, it serves me.

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